Yep. Going to the Home of Heros apparently…
The reason I am embarking upon this adventure to the big ol’ Colorado is simply put, to bury my brother. As many of you, who are my close friends, know, my brother died about a month ago on March 2nd.
The whole story of that day is really not too long so what the heck, I’ll tell it. Basically my brother had some mental issues and had been complaining (most recently) that he had severe stomach pains and other similar ailments. For the most part we went along with him, took him to the hospital close to 10 times since new years; although I think in the back of my head, I never believed there was anything wrong with my brother. He had complained of ridiculous things in the past such as a chip in his head and that someone had been driving his car all over creation. As you can see, there was not a whole lot of concrete evidence to back up any of his complaints in the past and this time was no different.
That day, March 3rd, is certainly a day that I’ll never forget. My mom had been calling my brother a few times that day and had not heard back from him so we were in the area and decided to drop by for a visit to see how he was doing. So we parked and went up to his room and knocked a few times with no answer so we knocked louder and pounded on the door, all the time my mom becoming more and more worried that something was wrong, as was I.
So because we had no response to our knocking, we went down to the managers office and asked if we could have the key to get in since my brother had a history of mental instability. She went with us and knocked on the door again just in case he had been sleeping. What happened next is burned into my memory as vividly as if it happened just yesterday. The manager opened the door, walked in and motioned for my mom to stand back as she looked down at the floor and walked back out. My mom sensing that something was very wrong, pushed past her and ran into the apartment to see my brother lying on the floor, dead. I walked in and saw my brother laying there purple and blue and just couldn’t look away. I can safely say that seeing my brother there with the life drained out of him, was by far the worst thing that has ever happened to me. He looked so peaceful laying in his typical fashion with his arm out on his side.
I had read authors descriptions in books of how one reacts to seeing a dead body and feeling that chill run up your spine, but had never experienced it. I can testify that that chill certainly does exist. It can be described best as, yes I know it’s cliche, but as a chill. First my legs felt cold then shaky and my knees felt like they couldn’t hold me up. I started shaking and my voice cracked something fierce.
As my mother screamed and cried out, my mind couldn’t help itself but think, “what now? What do I do? What is happening? Who is that on the floor? Who do I call? Where is my brother??” I called 911 as I was helping get my mom out of the room so she wouldn’t have to see my dead brother lying there. I called my dad and my sister and got them over there as soon as possible. The rest is really the normal thing you’d imagine happening. We cried for a few hours, gradually got to the point where we could walk and drive my mom home.
I realize that most of you reading this will think to yourself, “this guy is totally just fishing for sympathy!” and you would be wrong. I needed to write this as part of my coping. I have an incredible ability to compartmentalize things in my life. I can be strong and I can pretend nothing bothers me but on the inside I’m raging at myself that I could be so heartless. My God, my BROTHER just died! How Could you not be depressed? Why don’t you cry at all?? Writing this has given me an arena to express my thoughts and feelings whilst being protected by the comforting, albeit thin shield of the internet. I just needed to say how I feel. That is all
Anyway, I’m leaving tomorrow at 8am to fly to my moms home state. We will be staying with relatives and having many many people come up to us, offering there condolences. I appreciate that they care enough to offer their sympathies but honestly, I can’t stand it. I don’t know how to react to it.
Anyway, I need to get some sleep before tomorrow. Goodnight everyone